The Formidable King Page 19

  Shock jolted through him as her words sank in. ‘You haven’t had a lover?’

  ‘No.’ She made the startling admission before rushing on with her explanation. ‘Years after I met Zorro, I met a guy I thought I could feel comfortable with, and I set out quite deliberately to have him as my lover. But the moment he was... on top of me, I panicked. His weight brought back all the horrific memories of my attack and I couldn’t breathe.’ Her face crumpled with the misery of her memories as she relayed them to him in a small, fraught voice. ‘It ended disastrously, and I had to accept then that as much as I want to be normal, I can’t...’ She squared her shoulders as she looked at him and enunciated heavily, ‘I can’t have a sexual relationship.’

  He understood her uncertainties, but surely she didn’t really believe that she’d never be able to enjoy sex? ‘India, I—’

  She lifted her hand up and kept talking. ‘I should’ve told you before you married me. It was selfish of me—especially when you told me that your family don’t divorce—but all I could think about was getting out of Bagazin alive.’

  ‘You had no option but to mar—’

  ‘And because of your incredible code of honour, you felt you had no option but to marry me. But the thing is, since we haven’t consummated the marriage, I don’t believe there’s anything stopping you from seeking an annulment—which isn’t strictly speaking a divorce—and... Well, you deserve to be happy, Gabe.’

  ‘I am happy, India,’ he told her sincerely. ‘I’m happy with you.’

  ‘But you told me you didn’t ever want to marry.’

  He smiled, reached out and ruffled her hair. ‘Oh India, there was a good reason why I never wanted to marry again.’

  He saw the uncertainty in her eyes. ‘Are you going to tell me about it?’

  Yes, he was. India was absolutely right in saying there could be no secrets between them. Any doubts they had about themselves or each other had to be aired so they could heal and move forward. ‘Angelique was a goodtime party girl who didn’t think about anybody but herself.’

  ‘Eden spoke of her, so I know a bit about her behaviour.’

  ‘Eden couldn’t stand her.’

  ‘That’s an understatement and completely understandable from what she told me.’

  Eden and Angelique had been like two bristling, spitting cats whenever they’d been in the same room together. ‘It got to the point I couldn’t stand Angelique either, and she’d never liked me.’ She’d always found her boring and hadn’t bothered to hide her opinion.

  ‘How long were you married?’

  ‘Just over two years. She died about six months after Eden.’

  ‘Ah.’ She gave him a quick nod. ‘I remember seeing it on the news. It was a tragic, unnecessary death. Such an awful accident, to be killed in an avalanche.’

  Tragic? Yes. As selfish as she’d been, he would never have wished death upon her.

  Unnecessary? Absolutely.

  Accidental? No. Angelique’s death had been entirely preventable. It would never have happened if he hadn’t threatened her with divorce.

  ‘It was my fault she died,’ he told India starkly.

  ‘No, Gabe, how could you say that? I remember hearing on the news that she skied off-piste in an area that was renowned for avalanches—that she was an accomplished skier and should’ve known better.’

  ‘She was a very confident skier, and she definitely knew the risk associated with that area,’ he confirmed.

  ‘Then why do you blame yourself for her death? You weren’t with her insisting that she ski in that area, were you?’

  ‘No.’ He’d never do anything so foolish. ‘We’d argued. She wanted to go out. I wanted to stay back at the chalet and wait for Marco and Khalid to arrive. They were scheduled to join us on the ski trip.’

  ‘You think if you’d gone with her, you would’ve convinced her to stay in the safe areas?’

  Where did he even begin? ‘The initial argument over skiing grew out of proportion. She ended up venting everything she perceived was wrong with our marriage, and I vented back.’ He tried to block his heart—to stop the venom she’d spat that day, from reinfiltrating his system and poisoning his arteries. But he’d been guilty of hurting her too. ‘She knew I didn’t love her. Our relationship had been rocky from day one, and we’d maintained separate apartments after just a few pitiful weeks of marriage.’

  He watched India’s finely arched brows draw down and move towards each other in a frown. ‘But didn’t I read somewhere that she was expecting your child when she died?’

  Time for the final confession. ‘The child wasn’t mine.’

  He heard India’s sharp intake of breath as she reached out and placed her hands on his shoulders. ‘Gabe! That’s terrible.’

  It’d gutted him. ‘Angelique had a string of affairs. On one occasion she wasn’t careful and fell pregnant. Just before Eden died, Angelique realised she was pregnant. We hadn’t been lovers since she’d moved out of my bedroom, but Eden’s death gave her the perfect opportunity to claim the baby was mine. While I was grieving for my sister, Angelique came to my room—ostensibly to comfort me. In my grief, one thing led to another. It was a one-off, but she used that night and told me six weeks later that she was pregnant with my child.’ He hated talking about it, but the ugly deceit he’d carried around with him had to come out. He understood that now. ‘The day she died Angelique confessed that she’d already known she was pregnant and orchestrated the whole scene with me so she could claim the child was mine.’

  ‘What sort of woman would ever do that? No wonder Eden hated her so much,’ she exclaimed.

  India’s indignation and outrage on his behalf soothed his torn emotions. She may not have a medical degree like her parents, but there was no denying she was a natural healer.

  ‘That last day, when she threw it in my face that she was expecting another man’s child, I vowed I’d divorce her. I fully intended I would go against all family tradition and expectation and do just that. She knew I was serious and became a wreck.’ But only because she’d been considering her future. ‘The man she’d slept with wouldn’t claim the child as his, and she knew her father would disown her if I divorced her. All she could think about was her own fate and how her lifestyle would be forced to change.’

  ‘It must’ve been hell for you,’ India said softly. She shifted her body, finally tossing the covers aside and sitting up on her knees so she could wrap her arms around him. She rested her head against his shoulder. ‘All that came on top of Eden’s death. I wish I’d been able to help you through it.’

  It had been hell. Probably nothing compared to what India had been through, but hellish all the same. Now, holding India in his arms—having her breath caress the flesh where his neck joined his shoulders—it didn’t seem as bad. India had taken the sting out of Angelique’s betrayal and he was able to go on speaking without the same level of pain.

  ‘When Angelique left the chalet, I knew she was upset. But I felt so bitter—so cold towards her, I couldn’t bring myself to go after her. I was completely serious about divorcing her, but I had no idea she’d throw herself into direct danger to try to get me to change my mind. She called me from her mobile phone, told me where she was and threatened to keep skiing deeper into the more dangerous territory if I didn’t promise to withdraw my threat of a divorce. She told me she’d stolen one of the security guard’s pistols and that she’d keep firing it until she caused an avalanche.’

  ‘She was insane!’

  ‘Completely irrational,’ he agreed. ‘She fired off one shot to let me know she was serious. That single shot was all it took. Before I could even formulate a response and tell her to get back to the lodge, I heard the noise.’ Despite himself he felt sweat bead across his forehead as he relived the moment. ‘It started as a low rumble, but in a split second a whole ledge of snow broke off from a high cliff face and I heard the roar of the avalanche.’ He closed his eyes. Only an unfeeling bastard wo
uld’ve been able to prevent the shudder that racked his body. ‘The last thing I heard from her was a cry of sheer terror.’

  ‘Oh Gabriel.’ She hugged him tightly. ‘That’s horrible, but it certainly wasn’t your fault.’ She pulled away from him and placed her hands back firmly on his shoulders. ‘Look at me,’ she demanded. ‘Angelique was a disloyal and completely unstable woman. You were in no way responsible for her death.’

  ‘But I am responsible,’ he told her heavily. ‘I shouldn’t have married her. She was a wild spirit and bored with our marriage before it even began. It was a marriage she hadn’t wanted in the first place. A marriage I’d only entered into out of duty and her father had bullied her into. My closest friends warned me not to marry her. If I’d only broken off the deal...’

  ‘No,’ she said, giving him a little shake, ‘there were three of you who had the option to stop the marriage from going ahead. You can’t place all the blame on yourself.’

  He let out a long breath. ‘I’ve lived my life for Santaliana. I’ve needed to be a good monarch for the people, because I was the one responsible for making them lose their king and queen. I thought my marriage to Angelique would, in some way, atone for my sins. You see, I caused the accident in which my parents died.’

  ‘No again.’ Her mouth firmed and her expression became stern. ‘I know that’s simply not true, Gabriel. Eden talked to me about your parents’ accident. You were a child, for heaven’s sake.’

  ‘So many people who were close to me have died because of me.’ She had to realise.

  ‘You’re not blaming yourself in some way for Eden’s death as well, are you?’

  ‘If I’d followed my instincts and not allowed her to go to France, she’d still be alive today,’ he reasoned.

  ‘She’d be horrified to hear you say that.’ Temper threaded through her words. ‘Eden would rant and rave at you and give you a good shake, and because she’s not here to do it, I’m going to take her place in making you see reality.’

  When he tried to look away from her, she placed her fingers under his chin and forced him to meet her harsh gaze. ‘I knew your sister, remember? She was bright and beautiful and generous, but once she got something into her head, nobody could budge her.’ She lowered her hand and jabbed her index finger into his chest. ‘I remember her talking to me about her plans for the drug rehabilitation centre in Santaliana. She was so excited about it, and she was very determined to visit the centre in Paris. Short of locking her in the palace dungeons, there’s no way you would’ve convinced her not to go.’ She shook her head. ‘Nobody could’ve foreseen that she’d uncover a drug dealer at the facility, or that he’d murder her.’

  The notch of his throat moved up and down painfully as he swallowed. Incredibly, the sinuses in his cheeks felt heavy and he felt sharp pricks of... tears in his eyes.

  Hell. When was the last time he’d cried?

  He couldn’t cry in front of India.

  ‘Gabe,’ she said more gently. ‘You decided when you were a seven-year-old that you were responsible for your parents’ deaths. Somehow, through the reasoning of a child, the erroneous concept snowballed until you convinced yourself you brought harm to people. All these years you’ve just reinforced the thought, instead of looking at it through adult eyes. You’re not seven anymore and you have to start seeing this issue with the clarity of a mature man. You don’t bring harm to people—you help them. I would either be dead or in a prison in Bagazin right now if it weren’t for you. You saved me.’

  ‘But you would never have been in Bagazin if I hadn’t railroaded you into going to Africa.’

  ‘Listen to yourself. You’re determined to join the dots and form an arrow that points all guilt back to yourself.’ She huffed in exasperation and the patient reasoning she’d shown him evaporated. ‘You can’t hold yourself responsible for the fate of others. If I’d told you why I didn’t want to go to Bagazin, you would’ve made the pilots divert. If I’d told you why I didn’t want to go to Africa at all, you wouldn’t have pushed me. It was my decision to accompany you. I could’ve refused and taken my chances with the foundation board and hoped they’d recognise my sincere commitment.’ She waved one hand up sharply as she admitted, ‘If I’m honest, I’ll admit I allowed myself to feel like I was forced into going with you rather than acknowledging that I wanted to go with you.’

  Her words lodged deep in his brain. ‘You wanted to go?’

  ‘We had fun, didn’t we?’ she asked flippantly. ‘Even if I didn’t get to see you being attacked by hippos on the river—and I’m starting to wish I had—we had fun.’

  ‘I had fun,’ he agreed. ‘I don’t ever remember having had as much fun as I had with you in Misanti. Somehow, everything seems more vivid in your company.’ Even the pale pink shade of her nightie somehow seemed vivid.

  ‘Africa’s a pretty vivid continent,’ she said with a twist of her mouth.

  ‘I’m being serious, India. I feel like I’m a changed person since I’ve met you. All my priorities have shifted and I’m looking at things differently.’ He took her hand to his lips and this time he kissed her palm. ‘I’m feeling things I never expected to feel.’

  ‘Gabriel...’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I have one last confession to make,’ she said.

  ‘Do I need to have a stiff drink ready?’

  ‘That depends.’

  Dear Lord! ‘Just tell me, India.’

  ‘You’ve made me feel things I’ve never expected to feel too. Even though I know my psychological barriers will never allow me to be your lover, the way I feel for you is... well, it’s intense. It makes me ache deep down inside and I have to tell you that it’s much more than a physical thing.’ Her eyes shone with unshed tears. ‘I’ve always felt a strong connection to you and I started admiring you and liking you when Eden used to talk about you. I totally lusted after Zorro, but when I first met you at the palace here, I was confused by your attitude.’

  ‘I’m not surprised.’ God, but he wished he could go back in time and wipe out all his incorrect assumptions. ‘I—’

  She placed a finger against his mouth and he had to fight the urge to part his lips and kiss it. ‘Maybe it crept up on me or maybe it was there all the time and I just didn’t realise it, but I know without a doubt that I love you, Gabriel. I love you with my whole heart.’

  The tears he’d managed to keep at bay earlier stung his eyes afresh.

  ‘I know you didn’t want to marry me,’ she continued. ‘I know you only wanted an affair, and I can’t even give you that, but—’

  He did the only sensible thing he could think of to shut her up and make her stop talking such rubbish. He lowered his head and claimed her mouth with a possessive intensity that rocked him to his core.

  India loved him! The heady knowledge kept bubbling around and around in his brain, making him light-headed with euphoria.

  ‘Oh, my darling,’ he said in between placing kisses all along her jaw. ‘You make me the happiest I’ve ever been.’

  ‘I do?’ she asked through slightly kiss-swollen lips. ‘You don’t mind that I love you?’

  ‘My God. India! How can you even ask? Of course I don’t mind. How could I possibly object when I’ve craved your love—when I’ve loved you since that very first night you cannoned into me at the masquerade ball?’

  ‘No. That’s not true. You despised me when I came here for our meeting and you realised who I was.’

  ‘That was bruised ego,’ he admitted. ‘You’d made a fool of me when you left me. I’d already told Marco and Khalid that I was prepared to break off my engagement to Angelique because I believed you and I had a future together.’

  She shook her head. ‘All this time. All these wasted years.’

  ‘We’ll make up for them, my darling. I promise you, we will.’

  ‘But Gabriel, what if I’m committed to trial and found guilty of murder?’

  ‘You won’t be. There’s no way that’ll
happen.’

  ‘As much as I love your confidence, you can’t know that for certain.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Gabe, so far I’ve been greeted with warmth everywhere I’ve gone, but if I’m ordered to face trial and the people change their opinions, your marriage to me may place too much strain on your position domestically and also on Santaliana’s international relationships.’

  ‘You’re worrying needlessly. The people of Santaliana aren’t so fickle and I guarantee they’d be outraged if their queen had to stand trial on a matter that’s already been widely reported by the international press as being a clear matter of self-defence.’

  ‘But—’

  He raised one fingertip up to press softly against her lips. ‘It won’t happen, but if the situation deteriorates you can trust that I already have a contingency plan in place.’ He smiled. ‘Once you became my wife I warned you it would be forever. There’s no way I’m ever going to let you go. Now promise me you’ll have faith in me and won’t worry anymore.’ His eyes dipped to her cleavage and he drank in the sight like a dehydrated man. No longer did he feel like he crossed a forbidden line. Eden loved him!

  ‘I do trust you, but there’s another problem I just don’t see how we’ll overcome. How can you want to stay in a marriage where there’ll be no sex?’

  He smiled gently at her. ‘You really believe there’ll never be any sex?’

  ‘I know it.’ An edge of panic crept into her voice. ‘I’ve tried, Gabe. I just can’t...’

  ‘You say you love me.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘If you love me, you must trust me.’

  ‘Yes, but I know—’

  ‘Darling, I love you so much I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The last thing I want is for you to feel threatened by me physically, but I’m hopeful that through our mutual love, and respect, and trust, we can overcome your difficulties together.’